Abuse comes in many forms. When you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, you’re always at a disadvantage because abusers play by their own rules. They have privileges that are theirs and theirs alone.⁣ It’s called entitlement.⁣

With entitlement comes unrealistic, one-sided and unreasonable expectations about how others should meet their needs.⁣ You can devote all your time and pour all your energy into pleasing them, but it will never be enough. And they get angry.⁣ How they feel about the root of their anger is completely different than your impression of why they are angry.⁣

It’s not you.

While most people understand that they alone are responsible for their angry emotions, abusers feel just the opposite; they feel entitled to their anger because you’re not meeting their expectations.

No matter how badly an abuser treats you, they believe that you don’t have the right to be angry, that’s their privilege.⁣

You can’t fix them.

Living in an abusive relationship is like being bound and gagged by duct tape.⁣ You’re so afraid of expressing your own feelings that you may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger. You can feel depression⁣, start emotional eating, experience nightmares and have problems sleeping. All normal progressions, which abusers will use against you to belittle and make you feel as if you’re going crazy.⁣

It never ends unless you decide it ends

Abusers see your anger as a challenge to his or her authority, and they respond to that challenge by overpowering you with unjustified rage that is greater than your own.⁣ The situation is always escalating as the abusers sense of privilege and entitlement keeps producing more anger. This cycle cannot be repaired with couples therapy or by attending an anger-management program.

Remember⁣, the angry reactions of emotional abusers ensure that they retain their rights and entitlement to be the one who exhibits anger in the relationship.⁣ It’s not your fault, or even about you.

The feelings you chose and assigned to them is up to you. Develop skills that allow you to let go of your negative and painful feelings associated with these experiences.⁣

Let’s talk about how you can get unstuck. Click here if you want to schedule a one on one chat. Don’t forget to follow along on Instagram and Facebook for daily inspiration.

I’m here for you.


Dr. Pamela Chollet